Tuesday Show Prep – Home Alone Edition

A new study by the University of Iowa is shedding light on what age experts say it is OK to leave your kids home alone. A survey of 500 social workers found most of them agreed kids should be at least 12 years old before they are left alone for four hours or more. 12 doesn’t seem completely unreasonable. There weren’t all that many times when one parent or another wasn’t available when I was growing up, plus I had an older brother around. But that seems like about the same age they started trusting my brother to be in charge and not blow up the house.

A South Carolina man, arrested for stabbing a woman, says he feared she would feed him to zombies. He is charged with attempted murder and possession of a weapon during a violent crime. Listen, this guy is obviously crazy, but he does point out a flaw in zombie-related stories that has bothered me for a long time. People have been making zombie movies since at least 1968, and every time everyone acts like it’s the first time they’ve ever heard of something like it. No one knows what to do. Give me a zombie movie where someone stands up and says “Listen, we’ve all seen Night of the Living Dead, so lets all get to work and headshots only.”

Speaking of the living dead… An Australian woman was told her ex-boyfriend has died and grieves the loss, only to come across him a few years later, very much alive and working in a local restaurant. Ever been in a relationship so bad that the only real way out was faking your own death? How long before there’s a trend piece on the new “Zombie-ing” dating trend?

BONUS FAKING YOUR OWN DEATH STORY: Utah woman charged with falsely reporting her husband murdered her.

An Arkansas man who was facing charges of aggravated assault and felony possession of a firearm walked out of court Monday while a jury was deliberating his case. He was found guilty on both charges and apprehended a day later. I recently watched that movie about Ted Bundy, and he basically did the same thing and he was already a suspected serial killer, so that’s not exactly a surprise that courthouses don’t have the best security in the world.

Monday Show Prep – Playground Justice Edition

A part-time umpire filed a lawsuit Friday alleging that a South Carolina mayor had him fired over an argument they had in August about a call at a recreational kickball match. The mayor and his son were playing for a team called “Recreational Hazard” and were kicking in the bottom of the eighth inning when the call happened. According to the lawsuit, Lockilear’s son was running to home plate when the opposing team, the “Toe Jammers,” tagged him in the back of the leg with the ball. The kid was tagged out, the father erupted and even went so far as to proclaim “I own this town.” The umpire is suing Lockilear for slander, conspiracy, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and tortious interference with a contract. Listen, I’m sure anybody who has any position of authority has a moment where they ponder playing the “Do you know who I am?” card, even if they never actually do it. But can you imagine being an elected official who decides to throw your weight around in a kickball game?

Authorities in Florida said a surfer who jumped off his board received minor cuts when he landed directly on top of a shark. The surfer was treated at the scene for minor cuts and was able to drive himself home after the incident. The Fonz may have jumped the shark, but this guy jumped on-to the shark.

A restaurant in Singapore is taking heat because they had a claw machine for customers to pick their lobster for dinner. The machine had a plastic claw inside it, and a black signboard on top of it that read “Catch lobster, and enjoy it! (Cook with no extra charge)”

The Romeo and Juliet of our time: A teenager has broken into a German prison in an attempt to win back his ex-girlfriend. 18-year-old scaled a 13-foot wall last week to get to his ex’s window. Prison officials intercepted the man. He refused to climb back down, and the fire service was called to bring him down with a ladder. No word on if it actually worked, but if that doesn’t prove your love, what possibly could?

BONUS – The Most Florida Story in History: Deputies arrest man, woman after finding kilo of meth in Tide box.

Thursday Show Prep – Infectious Disease Edition

Did you go to Disneyland last week? Good news, you may have gotten a free souvenir. Guests have been warned that someone infected with measles visited the park. If you aren’t vaccinated, you very well may have contracted the disease from the person behind you on It’s A Small World who wouldn’t stop coughing. You know what would be great? If doctors could figure out a way to keep people from contracting measles. They should totally work on that.

Yet another example of life imitating a Billy Bob Thornton movie: A drunk Santa was found passed out in his car. Police said he appeared to be under the influence of alcohol or drugs or both. Police took to social media to share a “message” from the “Drunk Santa Suit Criminal.” “Dear Santa,” the letter began, “I’m sorry I stole your red suit. I was drunk and made some poor choices. I know it’s only October. And it’s hot. Too hot for this suit. But I was drunk. Poor choices.” It was signed “sincerely, Drunk Santa Suit Criminal.”

A hunter in Arkansas died after a deer he shot turned the tables — and reportedly attacked him. Listen, I know lots of hunters and all of the ones in my life are wonderful people who have a tremendous respect for nature. But I find this piece of deer justice to be extremely entertaining. Also, RIP.

A fisherman was lost at sea for 14 days off the coast of Florida and claims mermaids sexually assaulted him. The man was suffering from various health issues, including hallucinations caused by dehydration and toxins from the mussels he ate. When McCallister claimed the assault by the mythical creatures, his mental health was not well from being malnourished and ingesting toxins. It’s just heartbreaking to see that Ariel’s life has gone downhill so much.

Wednesday Show Prep – Lost and Found Edition

Yellowstone’s Thermal Area Preservation Program, which dredges up litter stuck in the park’s iconic hot springs, pulled out an astounding 438 hats this summer alone — as well as 16,404 pieces of litter. I realize they’re basically just collecting garbage, but how cool would it be to say you’re part of the “Yellowstone Thermal Area Preservation team?” Also it’s a National Park not a dumpster. Pack out your trash. What’s wrong with you people?

Edward Snowden was on Joe Rogan’s podcast, and it turns out he didn’t just look into government intrusion into our lives, he also kept tabs on our alien overlords. Unfortunately he says he saw no evidence of hidden alien shenanigans in the government.

A man working in the office spaces above New Holland’s Knickerbocker is getting a steady stream of free beer after putting a clever sign in one of his windows. The sign sits an office window directly above the restaurant’s Tree Room. The sign is several feet tall and reads “PLEASE SEND BEER TO SAM ON FLOOR 3. THANK YOU!” Not all heroes wear capes.

A couple went on a vacation in Florida. Florida being the epicenter of all strange news stories, you have to know it didn’t go well. They woke up to find a snake in their hotel room. Staffers tried to identify the snake and told the couple it looked like a garden snake and it was not a threat

Monday Show Prep – Trick-or-Treat Edition

How old is too old to trick-or-treat? Chesapeake, Virginia has decided they need to crack down on those shenanigans. Anyone over the age of 13 who is caught trick-or-treating can be sent to jail for up to 6 months, and fined! When did you stop trick-or treating? I think it was about 11 or so for me. Certainly if you can drive, it’s a bit of a stretch. At what age do you cut that off? It’s a little tough to judge the age of a kid in a costume, so do you ask them questions? Like their favorite shaver and if they have an answer, they’re out?

A 136-room hotel with a rooftop garden will be built on top of a huge Nazi-era bunker in Germany. The bunker was designed to accommodate 18,000 people during air raids. It features 3.5-metre-thick walls, was built in 300 days in 1942 by 1,000 forced labourers. I’m a history buff and all, but that last one alone might not make it the single greatest idea for a tourist destination, but what do I know?

An Ohio man says local officials cut a building in half to end a property dispute with him. It happened following a complaint which contends township officials constructed a building that was partly on his property. So apparently King Soloman is in Ohio these days. Good for him.

A man is suing NBC Universal after he paid for an “unlimited refill” soda machine deal at one of the company’s theme parks — only to discover he had to wait a whole 10 minutes between each pour. The cups come with a computer chip to show you’ve paid for the bottomless deal — but the park was also tracking how often users top up, and are “programmed” to limit refills to every 10 minutes.

Thursday Show Prep – Baggage Fee Edition

Day one of the Chicago Teachers Union strike. Enjoy your day off, kids.

Would you be willing to pay to have a better shot at overhead bin space? Delta Air Lines is offering that as a perk in a new subscription service to SkyMiles customers. It would cost $59/year. This is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas. The boarding and exiting process has already doubled in length because everyone tries to cram all of their stuff into a carry-on bag so they can avoid fees for checking bags

Gig alert: A website is celebrating the upcoming release of Disney+ by offering a “dream job” opportunity for five fans looking to make $1,000 by watching 30 movies in 30 days. Winners will each receive $1,000, a year’s subscription to the new streaming service and a selection of Disney-related movie watching supplies, including a blanket, cups and a Pixar popcorn popper. Sign me up.

Speaking of dreams come true, the Jim Beam distillery in Kentucky is listing a cottage on its grounds on Airbnb. According to the listing, along with the lodging you’ll get “bourbon tastings, and other unique elements including an original staircase from the distillery circa Prohibition, a bourbon bar with seasonal cocktails and restaurant that serves bourbon BBQ selections that are inspired from our family recipes.”

A Florida man who was caught driving drunk with open bottles in his vehicle offered to pay off the arresting officers if they released him. You mean a person stupid enough to drive drunk was also stupid enough to think bribing the officer would get him out of it?

Wednesday Show Prep – Mental Health Day Edition

A new bill just filed in Florida could allow kids to take a day off school each semester as a mental health day. Tampa Representative Susan Valdes is the one who introduced the bill. She says students are under a lot of pressure, from academics, to bullying, to active shooter drills and the threat of school shootings . Two observations: 1) Couldn’t a student just take a day off for illness? Obviously there’s a limit to the number of excused absences, but I don’t think they ask for that much detail about why you were out for the day. 2) Remember when people used to talk about how easy kids had it?

A California man who allegedly broke into someone’s home – while dressed in only women’s underwear – before fleeing the scene has been taken into custody. What is with the national epidemic of people breaking into houses just to be weird and do weird things?

A half-eaten box of donuts was the subject of a “grisly scene” in Sparta, Wisconsin. Police said the incident was a potential trap to lure in tired and hungry night shift officers. They posted it on Facebook. The Internet exploded. What is it with the national epidemic of police departments making goofy social media posts?

Apparently “Rage Yoga” is now a thing. It features beer, loud rock music, lots of yelling and more adult gestures than one would normally associate with yoga. I would definitely take that over goat yoga or hot yoga.

Tuesday Show Prep – Doomsday Edition

A family who spent nine years in a basement “waiting for the end of time” have been discovered by police in the Netherlands after one of them turned up at a local pub. Look, I understand thinking that the world is about to end, especially these days. But wouldn’t you re-think your decision long before you go to year nine? I would have completely run out of Futurama episodes to watch by the end of the first couple of months.

A Florida man who called 911 to report his roommate, who allegedly stole his weed, was asked to stop calling. Deputies said that the person called 911 because his roommate stole his weed — specifically $20 worth. Listen, he can’t be expected to just throw away $20 like that.

A highway construction project in Illinois ran into something completely unexpected: Human remains. It turns out when a cemetery was moved, they didn’t quite get to all of them. They moved the headstones, but not the bodies.

A family in Iowa might not want to go in their basement for a while. It was filled with nearly five inches of animal blood, fat and bones as a result of drainage from a meat locker next door. They say they lived in that house for ten years but have never had major issues until recently. That’s odd, the blood usually gets off at the second floor.