Wednesday Show Prep – Mental Health Day Edition

A new bill just filed in Florida could allow kids to take a day off school each semester as a mental health day. Tampa Representative Susan Valdes is the one who introduced the bill. She says students are under a lot of pressure, from academics, to bullying, to active shooter drills and the threat of school shootings . Two observations: 1) Couldn’t a student just take a day off for illness? Obviously there’s a limit to the number of excused absences, but I don’t think they ask for that much detail about why you were out for the day. 2) Remember when people used to talk about how easy kids had it?

A California man who allegedly broke into someone’s home – while dressed in only women’s underwear – before fleeing the scene has been taken into custody. What is with the national epidemic of people breaking into houses just to be weird and do weird things?

A half-eaten box of donuts was the subject of a “grisly scene” in Sparta, Wisconsin. Police said the incident was a potential trap to lure in tired and hungry night shift officers. They posted it on Facebook. The Internet exploded. What is it with the national epidemic of police departments making goofy social media posts?

Apparently “Rage Yoga” is now a thing. It features beer, loud rock music, lots of yelling and more adult gestures than one would normally associate with yoga. I would definitely take that over goat yoga or hot yoga.

Tuesday Show Prep – Doomsday Edition

A family who spent nine years in a basement “waiting for the end of time” have been discovered by police in the Netherlands after one of them turned up at a local pub. Look, I understand thinking that the world is about to end, especially these days. But wouldn’t you re-think your decision long before you go to year nine? I would have completely run out of Futurama episodes to watch by the end of the first couple of months.

A Florida man who called 911 to report his roommate, who allegedly stole his weed, was asked to stop calling. Deputies said that the person called 911 because his roommate stole his weed — specifically $20 worth. Listen, he can’t be expected to just throw away $20 like that.

A highway construction project in Illinois ran into something completely unexpected: Human remains. It turns out when a cemetery was moved, they didn’t quite get to all of them. They moved the headstones, but not the bodies.

A family in Iowa might not want to go in their basement for a while. It was filled with nearly five inches of animal blood, fat and bones as a result of drainage from a meat locker next door. They say they lived in that house for ten years but have never had major issues until recently. That’s odd, the blood usually gets off at the second floor.

Monday Show Prep – Dream Gap Edition

There’s a campaign to create a “Judge Barbie” this year in an effort to expose girls to different sorts of careers at a young age. If they’re going to have the doll, they should clearly sell a “Barbie’s Dream Courthouse” to go along with it. They’re trying to close something experts call the “dream gap,” which was proven by researchers at New York University, the University of Illinois and Princeton University. They found that stereotypes associate a high-level of intellectual ability with men more than women. Thus, when young girls are exposed to these stereotypes, they don’t always pursue careers that require intelligence. I wouldn’t think there are many astronauts who decided to get into the space business because of the doll they had when they were five years old. However, it’s certainly not impossible, so I’d say let’s do anything we can to encourage young girls that they can do anything if they’re willing to work hard.

A Phoenix Airbnb host says guests left behind what he believes was a packet of heroin that his 1-year-old toddler nearly put in his mouth. I’ve only had one Airbnb experience… mine was a guest… and it was delightful. But I can see how stories like this would give people pause about hosting guests. Although, I’d be pretty creeped out about renting my actual home anyway. I’d only do it if I somehow had an extra place to rent.

Rhode Island is looking to add a cover charge to visits to their DMV offices. The fee would apply to license and registration renewals that could have been completed online or by mail. Do they actually believe that people who don’t need to go to the DMV are just stopping by?

Three employees at a North Carolina assisted living facility were arrested after police said they ran a fight club with elderly residents with dementia. I can’t even imagine what would be like to hand a loved one over expecting them to be treating with dignity and compassion to live out their remaining years in the comfort they deserve. It’s just about the most horrible thing I could imagine. That having been said, the very idea of an elderly fight club is absolutely hysterical. However, I’d want it to be a voluntary elderly fight club, not one of dementia patients who have no idea what’s happening.

Thursday Show Prep – To Do List Edition

From the “It’s never too late” file: An 89-year-old woman who had never seen the ocean or mountains is now trying to visit all of the 61 national parks in the United States. I’m not going to be as eyeroll-inducing as to ask what your bucket list would be, but if you had the time to tackle an epic trip, what would you do?

A driver involved in a crash is accused of offering the victim free food from Chili’s Grill and Bar if the victim did not call officers to the scene. I think his problem is simply that he cheaped out and only offered food. As amazing as the food at Chili’s is, I would have negotiated and held out for a giant TV.

An Arkansas woman claims she repeatedly failed a sobriety test during a traffic stop because her brother gave her a sandwich laced with meth. Nice to see families doing things together. She was pulled over because she was driving with her heads lights off. Because criminals are morons.

A teacher in Pennsylvania decided it was a good idea to give a homework assignment for first graders that involved two people running from the police. The assignment involved two people named Tom and Rob running from a cop: “Tom will run. He will run from the cop. Tom will run with Rob. They will not stop.” A parent decided to post that little gem on Facebook. What would be your line where an assignment is in fact so stupid and/or outrageous that you decide to shame the teacher on social media?

Wednesday Show Prep – Finger Guns Edition

A 12-year-old girl formed a gun with her fingers, pointed at four of her classmates one at a time, and then turned the pretend weapon toward herself. Police hauled her out of school in handcuffs, arrested her and charged the child with a felony for threatening. I’m sure some will use this as an opportunity to scream against snowflakes and gun control. But if you’re a parent sending your kid off to school in an age where they can get arrested for making finger guns, how do you talk to them about how to behave at school?

News from my former stomping grounds: An Alabama man accused of standing naked while washing a mirror in his front yard has been arrested. I don’t understand the sudden spike in people running around naked committing crimes.

A pilot who crashed his gyrocopter last week was also involved in a crash a second time during a sheriff’s office rescue operation. That’s a little like The Simpsons, when Homer fails to jump Springfield Gorge and he keeps hitting the canyon walls as the helicopter is lifting him out. Also, this guy is a worse traveling companion than Tom Hanks.

A mom in California asked her husband to watch their child while she got some sleep. She woke up to find said child with it’s head shaved. Really, how could she possibly have expected that to end any other way? What are the odds on him ever having to watch their child again.

Tuesday Show Prep – Thoroughly Unimpressed Edition

Dr. Gregg Semenza called his mom to tell her that he had won the Nobel Prize. Unfortunately he did so at 4am, so she thought it was a crank call. It’s a little like the scene in Major League where the Cleveland Indians call Lou Brown at his tire shop to offer him their manager job and he has someone on the other like looking for tires. Anyone have a good story about a time when something big happened to you and no one believed you?

The 21 year old Florida man who spent 10 days in jail after he overslept and missed jury duty had his record cleared by a judge. That’s nice and all, except for one little problem: Anyone who Googles his name is going to see all of the coverage about the story around the country. So it might as well still be on his record. He did demonstrate a good deal of maturity in reaction to the situation, so hopefully that’ll be the big takeaway for everybody.

What is with the national epidemic of people breaking into homes to commit mundane tasks… many times naked? Authorities say a Pennsylvania homeowner who heard someone singing inside his home found a naked man drinking milk in his kitchen. The homeowner called police and the man was taken into custody.

You can new book a night in the Goodyear Blimb on AirBnb. It’s for a limited time in advance of Michigan-Notre Dame on Oct. 26. For around $150/night, people will have the chance to visit the hangar in Ohio and stay overnight on Oct. 22, 23 and 24. The only bummer is the blimp will be grounded during your stay. But of course, given the somewhat spotty history of airships, that might not be a bad idea. (Also, just to get really geeky, the Goodyear Blimb isn’t actually a blimp anymore. In 2017 they were replaced by Zeppelins. But I guess “Goodyear Zeppelin” doesn’t have the same ring to it.)

Monday Show Prep – Excessively Enthusiastic Edition

Rescue crews were dispatched to a report of a distressed party on a mountain in Colorado. It turned out the hikers were merely waving because they were very friendly Canadians. How would you feel if you were the rescuers and got all the way up there only to find they were just really polite? It seems like both sides have a good story to tell. But what’s the most epic misunderstanding you’ve had in your life?

A Texas man who robbed a bank a day before his wedding to pay for the ring and the venue. He turned himself in after his fiancée saw he was wanted by the authorities. He could face up to 99 years in prison if convicted, so I hope the prison he goes to has conjugal visits.

A woman accused of shoplifting from a Big Lots she climbed into the store’s ceiling when she heard police were on the way and stayed there for more than 6 hours. She is charged with felony criminal mischief, petit theft, possession of drug paraphernalia, resisting a merchant and resisting law enforcement without violence. You almost have to admire the commitment.

Authorities are investigating how a woman managed to board a Delta Air Lines flight from Orlando to Atlanta without identification or a boarding pass. I could possibly see how she could have tossed her boarding pass after it was scanned at the gate, but CNN is reporting she was not ticketed for the flight at all. If that’s the case, how is it this woman managed to get through TSA without an ID or a boarding pass, but the last time I flew a few weeks ago I got felt up by an agent and my carry-on bag had to be inspected twice. So many questions.

Friday Show Prep – Beloved Family Pet Edition

A Staten Island couple has a brand new member of their family. They’ve just picked up a pet horse. Apparently they did some homework and realized there isn’t specifically a law against such things. The couple spent close to $5,000 building a stable in their driveway and now try to ride their horse at least every few days. They even tried to ride the horse through a drive-thru, but were refused service. (You might say, they said “Nay”) A horse certainly has quite a few practical uses, but if you could have any 1,000+ pound animal as a pet, what would you choose? I’d go with a hippo. They just lay around in the water, and you get to throw whole watermelons at them and watch them go to town.

News from my former stomping grounds: An Alabama woman concerned that her methamphetamine may have been tainted with another drug asked police to test her stash. She was arrested on a felony narcotics possession charge and booked into the county jail. She is being held in lieu of $2500 bail. But at least she doesn’t have to worry about tainted speed.

As some criminals are going through a process of dumbening, others are using our technological age to their advantage. A man is accused of using a drone to scope out food carts. The thief took tablets, business checks, loose change, stickers, a first aid kit and other items. Listen, I’m not saying they shouldn’t throw the book at this guy, but you have to be a little impressed with the mad remote flying skills displayed by this guy.

A North Carolina mother is accused of trading her child for a car. They tried to trade their 1 year old for a 1992 Plymouth Laser. All people involved are currently in jail… well, except for the kid, obviously. The kid is being cared for by other family members. I think the biggest crime here is the fact that these people were so stupid that they believed a 1992 Plymouth Laser was worth trading anything for. That alone shows they did not have the intelligence needed to make sure this child was going to grow up to be a fully intelligent member of society.

Thursday Show Prep – Valuable Life Lesson Edition

A 21 year old in Florida is facing 10 days in jail for oversleeping. Well, that’s not exactly accurate, he was put in jail for missing jury duty. He says he overslept, but the judge was a wee bit upset that he did not alert anyone in the court. He just no-showed. You can’t do that. He seems to be taking it well, considering the fact that he now has a misdemeanor conviction on his record. Too much? Not enough?

A police officer in Florida pulled over a car for speeding, but it turned out to be a couple on their way to the hospital because the woman was in labor. A situation that happens constantly in the TV, but maybe not as much in real life. Anyway, she ended up having the baby right there in the car with the help of the police officer. I hope the new parents name the kid after the police officer or something, and I hope the police officer gives them a coupon for car detailing.

Yancy has a new Halloween costume inspired by the college admissions bribery scandal. I’m still working on my “Sexy Articles of Impeachment” Halloween costume. That’ll be a big seller.

A North Carolina man whose wife of 12 years left him for another man has won a $750,000 judgment against her lover. It fell under the state’s “alienation of affection” law, which allows spouses to sue somebody who has “purposefully interfered” with their marriage.