The only thing Star Wars fans hate more than people who hate Star Wars movies are the Star Wars movies.
I’m going to say right up front that I actually liked Terminator: Dark Fate, but this guy makes good points about why they probably should have just left things alone after T2
I don’t know what’s going on today, but there’s a tidal wave of dumb criminal stories. So let’s focus on that for the day, shall we?
Speaking of idiots driving under the influence, a man pulled over for drinking and driving blamed his liquor breath on ‘making out’ with boozy girlfriend
A robbery suspect in England thought he could evade authorities by putting on a pair of glasses. That’s called the Superman Strategy.
Police in Kansas arrested a man who allegedly threatened police with a large candlestick during a disturbance at a church. Do you think he threatened to burn them with the candle or use the candle as a blunt object?
Want to stay in a hotel room for $1 per night? A hotel in Japan will let you do that — as long as you make your room available for a 24-hour livestream. The strangest thing about that is the fact that they are still charging you. You’re providing them with content, so it seems like it should be free.
If you’re not willing to go full cam girl, you could get paid to smoke pot in your house instead. A company is offering $3,000/month to smoke pot and post reviews. Seems like a better deal than paying to have a webcam in your hotel room.
A California family is blaming a FedEx delivery driver for the death of their dog. Apparently said driver dropped a package on the dog. The animal’s veterinarian said the dog suffered serious injuries to her lungs and liver.
Bonus animal death story: Emotional support parrot dies after mistaken pet store pickup.
Here’s another thing to worry about: “Feather Duvet Lung.” 43-year-old man in Scotland felt sick and fatigued, often experiencing breathlessness with no relief. He sought medical attention and was subsequently diagnosed with a lower respiratory tract infection. Initially, his symptoms remedied — breathing became a bit easier and he felt less tired. But a month later, his health regressed.
The state of Indiana charged a suspected drug dealer with theft for removing a government-owned GPS tracking device from his SUV. The Deep State (TM) puts a tracking device on your car and you have to pay them for it. So they are literally trying to make a case that you should pay for tracking you. Luckily the state supreme court seems a little confused as to how it’s the guy’s responsibility, but still.
Looking for something to do with your family while you’re trying to avoid politics this Thanksgiving? Uno has you covered. They have come out with a new “politics-free” version of the game. Which is interesting, because I never thought of Uno as being politically charged. The new version removes the red and blue cards — which could be seen as politically charged — and introduces a new VETO card to help families everywhere keep the peace.
The whole “OK, Boomer” thing has officially jumped the shark. Fox has decided to try to trademark the phrase “OK, Boomer.” Apparently they want to use it as the title of a comedy, reality or game show series.
Researchers believe they have come up with an accurate way to calculate a dog’s age. Apparently seven times a human’s age isn’t actually accurate. The new formula is based on the rate that molecules are added to DNA. You find their true age by taking their human years and multiplying it by 16 and then adding 31 to the total.
A New York family is looking to hire a social media photographer who can double as a “mother’s helper.” The listing, posted on Craigslist, says the ideal candidate must have photography and photo-editing skills, specifically experience shooting young children and families. The person should also be internet and Instagram savvy. I literally can’t think of anything more eyeroll-inducing than someone trying to hire a staffer to make them social media stars.
Bring your child to work day: A Popeyes employee in Texas was fired for bringing their eight year old child to help deal with the influx of chicken sandwich-seekers. Video showed up online of the child mixing the flour for the batter while donning an apron and sneakers. He was fired. I get the potential legal problems, but they probably should have slapped the employee on the wrist rather than firing them.
A woman in New Jersey was accused by her local Aldi of bringing in a fake baby to steal yogurts. Two things: 1) The baby was 100% real. 2) The yogurts were only $.25, so it’s not likely anyone would steal them.
A Michigan retiree has lost a home over an $8.41 tax bill. He’s 83 years old, and bought the three-bedroom house in 2011 for $60,000. He converted into a rental property, and notices were sent to the property and not passed along by the renters. He actually kept paying taxes on the property until the renters left because the state had sold the house.
A couple hired a pilot to help with their gender reveal and things went all North by Northwest on them. The plan was for the pilot to fly low and dump pink water to signify that the couple’s unborn tax break is a girl. When he started dumping the water, the airplane began to stall and that he could not get it back. The stall caused the plane to lose altitude, hit the ground and roll over. Fortunately the pilot was not injured. Any landing you can walk away from, and such. Can we stop with gender reveals already? When did people become too good to take a pic with their Ultrasound?
The Iowa Appeals Court has ruled against a convicted killer who says he “died” during a medical emergency and thus fulfilled his life sentence. Points for originality.
An Ohio man says he has a rare disorder that causes him to act out his dream. He says that in his dreams he would confront a class bully and fight off a snake, but in real life he was fighting his wife while he slept.
Listen, we’ve all been there. You’re at a convention and you’ve got your eyes on that awesome looking battleaxe, but some buzzkill in your party says “What are you going to ever use that battleaxe for?” A Michigan man is alive and well after he used a replica battleaxe to fend off a home invader. Check. Mate.
A man on death row in Georgia got to order a last meal twice. His execution date was changed at the last minute from October 31st to November 13th after he had already been given his last meal. So he got a mulligan. His first final meal was steak, lobster, macaroni and cheese, cube steak, rice and gravy, steak and cheese sandwich, double cheeseburger, fries, side of ranch dressing, strawberry milkshake and layered cake with white icing. His do-over will be steak, lobster macaroni and cheese, chicken sandwich, chicken Caesar salad with ranch dressing, double cheeseburger, fries, red beans, strawberry milkshake, and apple juice. What would your last meal be?
The death row guy probably would have made more news if he’d ordered a Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich instead. One person in California damaged their car trying to cut in line in the drive-thru to get one.
Life imitating Knight Rider: A woman in Massachusetts accidentally drove her SUV into a landscaping trailer. She was trapped inside.
A Scottish tourist is suspected to have died in a shark attack off the coast of Madagasgar. Why do they think the person died? His dismembered hand and wedding ring were found inside a shark. Authorities had previously caught another shark that they said was responsible. Matt Hooper said the bit radius was all wrong, but the mayor wouldn’t let him cut open the shark to prove it was the wrong one.
Shock and Aww story of the day: A 5-year-old called 911 to order a Happy Meal and a police officer delivered it to him.
A Houston man charged with murder in his wife’s death admits to shooting her, but he says he isn’t fully responsible because he was sleepwalking at the time. He “accidentally” shot her six times. There was medication involved, but I’ve shot a few fire arms in my day and I don’t buy that you could fire it once and sleep through it, let alone six times.
Dumb criminal or dumbest criminal? A man who apparently left his wallet behind while stealing hundreds of dollars worth of electronics from a Walmart store went to police to ask for his identification card back. He claimed he was looking at his cell phone and didn’t notice he had passed the cashiers. Police were skeptical.
Shock and Awwww story of the day: A 69-year-old Vietnam veteran is retiring early thanks to the generosity of his boss of over 13 years. He was planning to retire after paying off his mortgage next year. His boss called him into his office and wrote him a check for $5000, so he could pay off his mortgage right then and there.
A 51-year-old man accused of groping a cast member was arrested at Walt Disney World. I know Disney is pretty serious about their cast members not breaking character, but I would imagine they’d probably make an exception in that case. Also, it reminds me of the time my Mom was at Disney and she got a picture with Tigger. As the picture was being taken, he leaned in and said “If another one of those little bastards steps on my feet I’m gonna clobber them.”
A Chicago cop decided it was a good idea to run the Allstate Hot Chocolate 15K in 50 pounds of SWAT gear. But that’s not the interesting part of the story. As he was approaching the finish line, someone called for a medic. It turned out a woman was in cardiac arrest, so he had to stop running and start doing chest compressions. Once EMS came to evacuate the woman, he finished the race. Still wearing his 50 pounts of SWAT gear. Once he had finished the race, he immediately proposed to his girlfriend. Still wearing the 50 pounds of SWAT gear.
A fugitive agreed to turn himself in to Kankakee police after they photoshopped him into a sailor suit. The 25-year-old was wanted for failure to appear on a drunken-driving charge. They posted his mugshot on Facebook, and he replied asking them where his costume was, since it was Halloween. They obliged and he thought it was so funny he turned himself in.
A Louisiana man has been arrested for stealing an electric-powered shopping cart from a Walmart and driving it to a bar about half a mile away from the store. He told officers he thought he could get charged with DWI if he drove his own car to the second bar. Instead, he decided to take the cart from Walmart. Investigators found the cart parked between two cars in the bar’s parking lot.
A couple in England couldn’t agree on what to serve at their wedding, so they came up with a compromise: They ordered Domino’s Pizza. The order was 30 large pizzas, 20 garlic breads, 20 boxes of chicken strips, and 20 boxes of wedges. The total cost ended up being $450, which from what I hear is way cheaper than anyone could ever hope to pay for a legitimate wedding reception.