Gabatron Morning Briefing – 4-6-16: Touchy, Feely Robots

A new scientific study suggests that humans can get turned on by touching robots. A team from Stanford University asked participants to touch 13 body parts of a robot called Nao while their non-dominant hands were fitted with sensors that measured skin conductance and reaction time. When the robots inevitably turn against us and you’re wondering why, it may have something to do with the fact that we did an experiment where we literally had a robot ask people to molest it.

A new report says that far more Chicago Police officers are retiring than are being hired. That would explain why there is so much overtime. It seems like a problem that’s going to get worse before it gets better, with the CPD’s recent image problems.

A couple of President Obama’s final exams from his time as a Constitutional Law professor has hit the Internet. He was pretty whimsical with some of his fictional situations for the questions.

CPS accidentally told 500 parents their kid had been accepted into magnet school. There were only 16 slots open, and they went out acceptance letters to 512 families. They’ve since reached out to families to apologize and offer “alternative options.” How would you react if that happened to your little snowflake?

A new ordinance would allow entertainment establishments to have both alcohol and strippers. Under existing law, you can have one or the other but not both. It’s about time these hard working single mothers were freed from the tyrannical grip of Big Government.

Donald Trump is providing details on how he expects Mexico to pay for the wall (I’m shocked too). He would threaten to block money transfers from workers in the US to Mexico. In exchange for a one-time payment of $5-10 billion, he would lift the ban and Bob’s your uncle, Mexico has paid for the wall. The Trump campaign says that money transfers from the US account for about $25 billion of income for Mexicans, so it would be worth it for them to cut us a check. So, basically, it’s extortion.

Harry Shearer has decided to audition for the part of Ted Cruz. Back when Shearer was on the outs with Fox, Cruz recorded his own audition for The Simpsons. It took months, but he finally decided to return the favor.

The war on obesity is officially over. McDonalds is introducing a “Giga Big Mac” with four beef patties. Right now it’s only available in Japan, but it’s only a matter of time until it finds its way into our pudgy little fingers.

Animal Stories: A couple of Florida farmers killed a 15-foot 800 pound alligator on their property. The ‘gator had been “snacking” on their livestock when they would go near the water to get a drink.

Animal Stories: Dying dog in Michigan has his very own “Bucket List”. Yeah, it’s a cute story and all, but really you’re just picking things you want to do with the dog and deciding that’s what he wants to do. He just wants to take a nap. Leave him alone.

A Russian woman killed her husband, chopped up his corpse and fed it to the family dog. She served him with fava beans and a nice chianti. Police say she appeared to be under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

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