Gabatron Morning Briefing 2-2-15: That’s Right, Woodchuck-Chuckers It’s GROUNDHOG DAY!

On the same day that Chicago experienced its fifth-worst blizzard ever with 19 inches at O’Hare, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, meaning that we’ll be getting six more weeks of winter. History will record that on February 2nd 2015 for just one day, Americans put aside their petty differences, joined together in one voice and killed the Groundhog.

Just in case you missed the Super Bowl, let me sum it up for you: Nationwide Insurance hates children, Katy Perry danced with sharks and Pete Carrol really should have run with Marshawn Lynch.

A fourth-grade student in Kermit, Texas was suspended last week for allegedly making a terroristic threat against his class. In these days where school shootings dominate the headlines it’s always a good idea to take any threats seriously, right? This troublemaker brought the One Ring, forged by Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom, to school. His father said that they had just seen The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies, and he assures everyone that his son lacks the magical skills to actually use the One Ring. Can we really take that chance? What’s the dumbest thing you ever brought to school?

Strippers in Portland are suing to get better working conditions. It’s just like The Grape’s Of Wrath… except everybody’s naked. Some are even working with lawmakers to craft legislation on the matter. The stripper lobby can be very powerful. They have lots of singles to throw around.

…and finally, if you’re a millennial you remember Ricardo Medina Jr., even if you don’t recognize his name. He was once one of the Power Rangers. He was arrested for murder Saturday after allegedly stabbing his roommate to death with a sword. A public service message, don’t roughhouse with your roommate. Only play safe games, like dog and bear. That makes his the second Power Ranger charged with murder. First Dustin Diamond, now a Power Ranger, next we’ll hear that Urkel is stealing cars.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.