Tuesday Show Prep – Big Brother Edition

The state of Indiana charged a suspected drug dealer with theft for removing a government-owned GPS tracking device from his SUV. The Deep State (TM) puts a tracking device on your car and you have to pay them for it. So they are literally trying to make a case that you should pay for tracking you. Luckily the state supreme court seems a little confused as to how it’s the guy’s responsibility, but still.

Looking for something to do with your family while you’re trying to avoid politics this Thanksgiving? Uno has you covered. They have come out with a new “politics-free” version of the game. Which is interesting, because I never thought of Uno as being politically charged. The new version removes the red and blue cards — which could be seen as politically charged — and introduces a new VETO card to help families everywhere keep the peace.

The whole “OK, Boomer” thing has officially jumped the shark. Fox has decided to try to trademark the phrase “OK, Boomer.” Apparently they want to use it as the title of a comedy, reality or game show series.

Researchers believe they have come up with an accurate way to calculate a dog’s age. Apparently seven times a human’s age isn’t actually accurate. The new formula is based on the rate that molecules are added to DNA. You find their true age by taking their human years and multiplying it by 16 and then adding 31 to the total.

Monday Show Prep – Employment Opportunity Edition

A New York family is looking to hire a social media photographer who can double as a “mother’s helper.” The listing, posted on Craigslist, says the ideal candidate must have photography and photo-editing skills, specifically experience shooting young children and families. The person should also be internet and Instagram savvy. I literally can’t think of anything more eyeroll-inducing than someone trying to hire a staffer to make them social media stars.

Bring your child to work day: A Popeyes employee in Texas was fired for bringing their eight year old child to help deal with the influx of chicken sandwich-seekers. Video showed up online of the child mixing the flour for the batter while donning an apron and sneakers. He was fired. I get the potential legal problems, but they probably should have slapped the employee on the wrist rather than firing them.

A woman in New Jersey was accused by her local Aldi of bringing in a fake baby to steal yogurts. Two things: 1) The baby was 100% real. 2) The yogurts were only $.25, so it’s not likely anyone would steal them.

A Michigan retiree has lost a home over an $8.41 tax bill. He’s 83 years old, and bought the three-bedroom house in 2011 for $60,000. He converted into a rental property, and notices were sent to the property and not passed along by the renters. He actually kept paying taxes on the property until the renters left because the state had sold the house.

Friday Show Prep – Death From Above Edition

A couple hired a pilot to help with their gender reveal and things went all North by Northwest on them. The plan was for the pilot to fly low and dump pink water to signify that the couple’s unborn tax break is a girl. When he started dumping the water, the airplane began to stall and that he could not get it back. The stall caused the plane to lose altitude, hit the ground and roll over. Fortunately the pilot was not injured. Any landing you can walk away from, and such. Can we stop with gender reveals already? When did people become too good to take a pic with their Ultrasound?

The Iowa Appeals Court has ruled against a convicted killer who says he “died” during a medical emergency and thus fulfilled his life sentence. Points for originality.

An Ohio man says he has a rare disorder that causes him to act out his dream. He says that in his dreams he would confront a class bully and fight off a snake, but in real life he was fighting his wife while he slept.

Listen, we’ve all been there. You’re at a convention and you’ve got your eyes on that awesome looking battleaxe, but some buzzkill in your party says “What are you going to ever use that battleaxe for?” A Michigan man is alive and well after he used a replica battleaxe to fend off a home invader. Check. Mate.

Thursday Show Prep – Last Meal Edition

A man on death row in Georgia got to order a last meal twice. His execution date was changed at the last minute from October 31st to November 13th after he had already been given his last meal. So he got a mulligan. His first final meal was steak, lobster, macaroni and cheese, cube steak, rice and gravy, steak and cheese sandwich, double cheeseburger, fries, side of ranch dressing, strawberry milkshake and layered cake with white icing. His do-over will be steak, lobster macaroni and cheese, chicken sandwich, chicken Caesar salad with ranch dressing, double cheeseburger, fries, red beans, strawberry milkshake, and apple juice. What would your last meal be?

The death row guy probably would have made more news if he’d ordered a Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich instead. One person in California damaged their car trying to cut in line in the drive-thru to get one.

Life imitating Knight Rider: A woman in Massachusetts accidentally drove her SUV into a landscaping trailer. She was trapped inside.

A Scottish tourist is suspected to have died in a shark attack off the coast of Madagasgar. Why do they think the person died? His dismembered hand and wedding ring were found inside a shark. Authorities had previously caught another shark that they said was responsible. Matt Hooper said the bit radius was all wrong, but the mayor wouldn’t let him cut open the shark to prove it was the wrong one.

Shock and Aww story of the day: A 5-year-old called 911 to order a Happy Meal and a police officer delivered it to him.

Wednesday Show Prep – Ill-Advised Nap Edition

A Houston man charged with murder in his wife’s death admits to shooting her, but he says he isn’t fully responsible because he was sleepwalking at the time. He “accidentally” shot her six times. There was medication involved, but I’ve shot a few fire arms in my day and I don’t buy that you could fire it once and sleep through it, let alone six times.

Dumb criminal or dumbest criminal? A man who apparently left his wallet behind while stealing hundreds of dollars worth of electronics from a Walmart store went to police to ask for his identification card back. He claimed he was looking at his cell phone and didn’t notice he had passed the cashiers. Police were skeptical.

Shock and Awwww story of the day: A 69-year-old Vietnam veteran is retiring early thanks to the generosity of his boss of over 13 years. He was planning to retire after paying off his mortgage next year. His boss called him into his office and wrote him a check for $5000, so he could pay off his mortgage right then and there.

A 51-year-old man accused of groping a cast member was arrested at Walt Disney World. I know Disney is pretty serious about their cast members not breaking character, but I would imagine they’d probably make an exception in that case. Also, it reminds me of the time my Mom was at Disney and she got a picture with Tigger. As the picture was being taken, he leaned in and said “If another one of those little bastards steps on my feet I’m gonna clobber them.”

Tuesday Show Prep – Grand, Over-The-Top Gesture Edition

A Chicago cop decided it was a good idea to run the Allstate Hot Chocolate 15K in 50 pounds of SWAT gear. But that’s not the interesting part of the story. As he was approaching the finish line, someone called for a medic. It turned out a woman was in cardiac arrest, so he had to stop running and start doing chest compressions. Once EMS came to evacuate the woman, he finished the race. Still wearing his 50 pounts of SWAT gear. Once he had finished the race, he immediately proposed to his girlfriend. Still wearing the 50 pounds of SWAT gear.

A fugitive agreed to turn himself in to Kankakee police after they photoshopped him into a sailor suit.  The 25-year-old was wanted for failure to appear on a drunken-driving charge. They posted his mugshot on Facebook, and he replied asking them where his costume was, since it was Halloween. They obliged and he thought it was so funny he turned himself in.

A Louisiana man has been arrested for stealing an electric-powered shopping cart from a Walmart and driving it to a bar about half a mile away from the store. He told officers he thought he could get charged with DWI if he drove his own car to the second bar. Instead, he decided to take the cart from Walmart. Investigators found the cart parked between two cars in the bar’s parking lot.

A couple in England couldn’t agree on what to serve at their wedding, so they came up with a compromise: They ordered Domino’s Pizza. The order was 30 large pizzas, 20 garlic breads, 20 boxes of chicken strips, and 20 boxes of wedges. The total cost ended up being $450, which from what I hear is way cheaper than anyone could ever hope to pay for a legitimate wedding reception.

Monday Show Prep – Chat and Chew Edition

A middle school in Illinois decided it was a good idea to separate students by gender and race. It’s part of a program its calls “Chat and Chew” sessions, where they go over academic and behavior data. Parents were also a little upset that they didn’t know about it until it was basically happening without any discussion. If you were a parent and this happened at your kid’s school how would you react?

Shock and aww story of the day: A FedEx worker was walking 12 miles home from work. She had a ride to work but not for the trip home. Her co-workers banded together and bought her a car with the help of a local dealership.

A small plane running out of fuel en route to a Chicago-area airport made an emergency landing on a golf course. They landed on the fairway for the 13th hole before stopping just short of the green. While the two were reportedly shaken up, fortunately no one was hurt.

A guy in Florida wasn’t getting anywhere in his online job search, so he decided to take it to the streets. Literally. He stood in an intersection with a sign reading ‘Masters in Management. Looking for a career. Please take a resume.’ His picture and resume was liked, shared, and commented on by hundreds of people on social media. It worked. At one point he set up 17 interviews in one week. Now he has a job with an engineering company.

Bonus Charlotte’s Web reference: 420-pound pig who lived on Chinese takeout rescued by firefighters… That’s some pig.

Friday Show Prep – Trick or Treat Edition

An Australian anti-vaxxer mom said she was giving trick-or-treaters chicken-pox tainted lollipops for Halloween, claiming the candies would help give kids the infection that her son has so they can get the chicken pox over with and be immune for life. How would you react if you found out after the fact that some genius in your neighborhood did that?

A man dressed in a Jesus Halloween costume allegedly punched a San Diego police officer. The officer suffered a two-inch cut to his eye and was taken to the hospital for further evaluation. Jesus is still on the loose. I’m just glad to see that someone remembered the reason for the season and was keeping Christ in Halloween.

A California couple planned to having a home birth, but they ran into a little problem… they were displaced by the wildfires. So they moved into a hotel and took their midwife with them. The hotel didn’t even know about the birth until a guest made a noise complaint and the front desk called the room asking if everything was OK.

An electrical engineer in Florida landed his job with a bogus college degree and fake credentials. He even at one point impersonated the Mayor in an email. He wasn’t caught for six years, and only then because he applied for a promotion and their new vetting process uncovered that all of the documents he supplied years earlier were bogus. It’s a little like Catch Me If You Can, except Frank Abagnale was smart enough to keep moving on, so he didn’t get caught for a long time. He’s in jail now and might have to pay back his salary.

And finally, “Woman Gets 20 Years For Sex At Machete-Point.”

Thursday Show Prep – Where The Sidewalk Ends Edition

A homeowner in Virginia is searching for answers after the sidewalk near her home was stolen. She noticed the thievery after she came back from work, and so far no one has been able to tell her what’s happening or why. She’s worried that someone might get hurt. No so much because she’s concerned for her neighbors and more because she’s worried she could get sued or something. Undeniable proof that people will steal anything, even if it is nailed down.

A train rider at a New York station on Monday noticed some suspicious packages sitting around, so did their civic duty and reported it. It turned out the packages were actually devices used to report suspicious items lying around the train station. So, I guess they worked?

The Reagan Presidential Library has been saved from the California wildfires by an unlikely hero: Goats. The Ventura County Fire Department brings hundreds of goats every May to eat the brush around the perimeter of the library. That created a natural fire break.

Just in time for the start of the holiday shopping season, the folks at Snappy have released a list of the worst gifts employees have gotten from their company. The worst gift I ever got for the holidays was getting laid off right before Thanksgiving. I’m pretty sure that counts.

BONUS – Error in Judgement: McDonald’s apologises for ‘Sundae Bloody Sundae’ promotion